And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
