um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Randomize
