you guys were way drunker than both of me
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
