Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Randomize
