She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
