dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Randomize
