I think my fart just growled at me.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
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