He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
