I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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