I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
