You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
