i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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