you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
