My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
