I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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