i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
