i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
