Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
