just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize