so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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