nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
