I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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