I accidentally burped into my bong.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
