Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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