u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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