Your mouth is God's brothel.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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