Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
