i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
