don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
