I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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