Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
