I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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