Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
