I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
