he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
