this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
