I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
My feet surprised me
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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