my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
