During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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