the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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