im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
