I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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