i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
