did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
