moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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