after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
