The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
