i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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