I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
