I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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