I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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