You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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