my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
