Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize