We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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