Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
