I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
