Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
