life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
This house was built for laser tag.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
