apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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