How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
