My sheets look like a crime scene.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
