you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
