U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
