today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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