i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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